Jon’s laws of drunkenness:
1.) An object in drunkenness tends to stay in drunkenness unless an outside factor (running out of money, pub closing) intervenes
2.) Give a constant, C, which represents quantity of alcohol, the degree to which you will get drunk is inversely proportional to the recentness of your last encounter with alcohol
3.) There is at all times a strong positive correlation between your level of inebriation and how brilliant you think you are. There is simultaneously a strong negative correlation between your level of inebriation and how brilliant you actually are.
4.) As drunkenness escalates, the probability of your face rapidly and dramatically hitting the pavement approaches one.
5.) Likewise, the probability of you making an utter twunt of yourself approaches one
6.) Blah blah phonging your ex and crying down the phone approaches one
7.) Your level of drunkenness is inversely proportional to your understanding of the value of money
8.) The amount of alcohol you have drunk positively correlates with the apparent attractiveness of others. The amount you have drunk negatively correlates with your attractiveness to others.
9.) Statistically speaking, if you are drunk and your mouth is open you are talking shit.
10.) As the amount of alcohol drunk increases, the chance that you will remember any of this approaches 0.
11.) The amount of time before you actually decide to call into the shite late night ITV gambling show is inversely proportional to how much you ripped the piss out of it when you first turned it on.