Friday, 28 September 2007

I always thought safe sex consisted of wearing a condom and a crash helmet

So, a very good friend of mine sent me this. I'd like to start by saying I am very tolerant of other people's religious views and their right to practice those religion freely. I expect in return that people will respect my view that such beliefs are sometimes hilarious, and my right to publish blog entries mocking them. The same law that guarantees my right to rip the piss also gives us all the right to say "Allah Akhbar", "Praise Jesus", or "Jonathan May-Bowles is a jumped up little twat". If you are offended by what you read, I invite you to exercise your free speech by invoking the latter option, repeatedly.

I'd also like to point out that A.) I don't consider this text to reflect the views, practices or beliefs of all - or even the majority of - Muslims and B.) I'm not singling out Islam. I find all religions funny, including my own. I could write jokes about Quakers all day, but you wouldn't understand them. Suffice to say we can be as big a bunch of idiots as anyone.

So, If you may be offended, please don't read on. You'll only upset yourself.

Let us begin:

"In the ideal Islamic situation, the husband and wife will most probably be total strangers to each other, having no kind of personal contact with each other previously... [so] In order to “break the ice” the husband should gently place his right hand on his bride’s forehead and recite: “O Allah! I ask you of her goodness, the good within her and the goodness upon which she was created. I seek Your protection from her evil, the evil within her and the evil upon which she was created”".

Smooth. I'm trying this at the Union tonight.

"There can be no greater turn-off to a returning husband than to find his wife in an unkempt, untidy condition."

Take note scruffy girls.

"A man should inform his wife of his intentions to have sexual relations from the morning in order that both be prepared fully at the appropriate time."

Darling, I'm going to fuck you later. Tidy yourself up a bit because right now you look like shit.

“When women emerge outdoors, they appear in the form of shaitaan, thus if any of you accidentally gaze at her and take fancy to her, he should consort with his wife, for she has the same that the other woman has.”

Allright love? I saw some proper fitties today, pop your knickers off so I can get it out me' system.

"For the protection from shaitaan and other harms, it is important to recite the Masnoon Duas at the time of intercourse. In this way the couple and their progeny will be protected from much harm.The respective duas for this occasion are as follows:-


“In the name of Allah, O Allah! Save us from Shaitaan and prevent shaitaan from that which you grant us”."

Pillow talk always gets me in the mood.


“O Allah! Do not grant shaitaan any share of that which you have granted me!”."

Er... wouldn't "Oh yes!" be a bit less creepy?

"Note:- 1. At the time of ejaculation, the dua should be recited in the mind only, not verbally."

Oh, right. Still, you're not exactly 'in the moment', are you?

"It is reported that if a person does not recite these duas, Shaitaan participates with him in the act of coitus and derives pleasure from his wife."

Don't be so bloody mean. The devil needs lovin' too. Also, reported where? The Daily Mail?.

"By night is meant the Islamic night, which precedes the day. "

Yeah, yeah, allright. Our night comes before the day too, you know Even after it, sometimes.

"Once Hazrat Umar (Radiyallahu-Anhum) had intercourse with his wife through rear entry (not anal entry). Later he was overtaken by the thought that perhaps he had committed an undesirable act. Immediately he rushed off to Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Aalyhi-Wasallam) calling out: “I have destroyed, I have been destroyed….!"

Calm down, dear. It's a commercial.

"There was a false notion; a baseless superstition that the Jews of Madina entertained as far as rear entry was concerned. According to them, the child born out of such union would be squint eyed. Some Muslims were misled by this myth of the Jews. When the above-mentioned were verse of the Quran was revealed, all such false conceptions were shattered and demolished for once and all."

Those clever, naughty little jews, plotting away to stop you from boning your wives from behind. Of course, as devilishly cunning as this plan was, it did rely somewhat on your lot being utter fuckwits.

“Await the completion (climax) of the wife before disengaging, otherwise she will become your enemy.”


"A very shameless trend has emerged nowadays where members of both the sex narrate the details of their sexual encounters to friends and associates."

This line is the only thing on God's good earth that justifies the existence of the program "Sex and the City". Also, do you perhaps mean 'shameful' instead of 'shameless'? Or do you thinking gossing about your boyfriend's cock ring is good form?

"It is the experience of the elders that a person who re-engages in sexual intercourse without doing any of the above, the resultant off-spring will be mentally-retarded or will be niggardly in nature."

Welcome to the twenty first century. Please help yourself to some science.

"Total nudity during coition has been prohibited in Islam."

Reason number 248 why I will not be converting to Islam.

"It is undesirable for both the partners to look at each others genitals."

Reason 249

"Many of the Ulema are of the opinion that looking at the wife’s gentials causes the eye- sight to weaken."

But why would I even want my eyesight if I can't look at pussy?

"It is the experience of wise men that the result of sexual intercourse on a full-stomach is a dull, backward child."

Seriously, we keep the science over there, next to the Enlightenment and underneath Feminism. Grab some of those as well, while you're up.

"Today, medical research has discovered that the greatest risk factor of contracting AIDS-the killer disease of the century-is anal sex; with or without protection! May we be sacrificed upon Allah and his Rasul for protecting our lives and health by strictly prohibiting us from this inhuman act."

Yeah, nice one God. Cheers for making all the fun stuff lethal.

"Premature ejaculation is a sexual problem that could adversely affect the marriage. In premature ejaculation, semen is discharged immediately or very shortly after the commencement of sexual activity-within 30 to 60 seconds- whereas the normal period ought to be 2 to 3 minutes. "

2-3 Minutes? Dear God man, I'm not a machine!

"On an overall basis, women have a considerably a lower sexual urge than men."

Don't count on it.

"To indulge in sex when the eye is sore results in the swelling and whitening of the eye.

Even when the woman’s eye is sore, sex should be avoided."

Or perhaps just stop fucking her in the eye?

Not all of this little book was quite so mental. I've obviously picked the weird/funny bits to put in this blog. If you've been offended by this, well, I did warn you. But sorry all the same. If this is how you chose to live your life, go for it. But, seriously, your child won't be a retard if you're cock is a bit grubby. It just won't.

Also, if there are any Muslims of the crazy-angry-lunatic persuasion reading this, remember: If Allah is cross with me, he'll sort it out himself. If you do it, you are basically calling Allah a wuss. You're not calling Allah a wuss, are you?

Next time: Jon calls the BNP a bunch of gaylords, and tells a group of hardline Zionists that he fucked their mums.

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